Intimate Biography
for Gay Male Eyes Only
for Gay Male Eyes Only
Photo c 1991 by Paul Dahlquist, photoshopped by "maladjuste."
Current revision 2006 July.
Photo c 1991 by Paul Dahlquist, photoshopped by "maladjuste."
Current revision 2006 July.
The first thing to say is that there have been but few relationships in my life, the longest of two years duration, I have never lived with a sexual partner. Thus my sex life has been limited to some lively one-nighters, some long-distance affairs, and a lot of visual stimulation and self pleasuring. I do what I need to do to keep my sexual alive.
For a long time, I have ascribed my lack sexual partners to looks prejudice, which is ubiquitous in the gay subculture, at least in the U.S., and I am not an exeption. This seems to have led to a cul de sac, and I really have doubts that the sexual impulse can be made workable for me. Sigh. Nevertheless I press on.
No doubt my being introverted (Myers-Briggs INTJ), not a schmoozer, and yes, sensitive about what other people say and think, has been a problem. Words do (and have) hurt me. I am shy, and eye contact, which is held to be the sine qua non of gay cruising is painful for me. To me it feels like being stared at, and a rude demand for emotional response. I don't emote at the drop of a hat, and distrust people who seem to gush with emotion with total strangers. I have learned rather well to overcome shyness by humor and wit, but the world of emotion will likely not be my strong suit, compared to the world of thought.
I'm not good at smalltalk, so I find it hard to break the ice with a stranger. I prefer to talk about ideas rather than about people or TV. Once I get going, I can be very witty, e.g. in groups, but getting started one-on-one, especially in a challenging social situation (party, club) has always been tough.
People have told me that they feel intimidated by my intelligence.
Really, I don't need my lover to be a rocket scientist. One in any household is enough, and besides, I'm retired. A good natured, personable mensch with a taste for the finer things in life, and the right (left) politics gets you far.
Well, I already have friends with whom I can discuss the sciences I used to work on and the humanities that interest me more now.I don't wish to "dumb myself down", and can't except maybe with strong drink or drugs, neither good on the long term. The worst advice I ever got, even though it may be true, is "be more average if you want a boyfriend." Sorry, that won't work. All my exes have been intellectual. I know, I am operating in a rarefied atmosphere, and sometimes there doesn't seem like there's air enough to breathe!
I do have a well-honed comic sense, and can often manipulate a converstions so I get to deliver a punch line that leaves them howling. This can be disruptive, depending on the situation, but sometimes the urge is so strong!
A therapist whose advice I have sometimes found of value (he is all wet about body size, which to me is a genetic matter primarily) has told me in very certain terms that it is possible to find someone to whom I feel no sexual attraction whatsoever, and by emotional communication and vulnerability, the sex attraction can evolve over time. I have never had this experience. If you have, please send me a note! I am still doubtful.
The route of emotional communication requires an enormous suspension of disbelief on my part: I am reminded of the story of Nasruddin, the wise fool
Nasruddin was found out in a lake throwing yeast from a rowboat. He was asked why and replied, "I want to turn the lake into yogurt!" His friend said "but that's impossible!" and Nasrudin retorted, "Yes, but imagine if I should succeed!
For a long time, I hoped to find heart and hardon in a group, the "radical faeries", but this proved to be a false hope, and I now find myself largely disaffected.
To the morally depraved, stinking "religious" fundamentalist right wingers (I think Jesus referred to them as "whited sepulchers" [Matthew 23]) who might use the info in this page against me, I can only say that, as they and the Bushists (sounds like fascists, and ever the two are getting closer) have no respect for the truth, they would be willing to lie and smear, as they always do, in order to defame me and discredit my ideas, so I might as well say what I think is true.
I *am* a bear, but have never been sexually attracted to my type. I tend to fancy skinny and/ or scruffy hippies (Ah! patchouli, the sixties in a single smell...), Deadheads, and denizens of rock'n'roll clubs or Van Sant movies. But furq, about 90% of them seem to be hetero, or at least wear shorter wimmen as a decorative accent. Hence my attraction to the fairies. I have a fondness for rock guitarist moves that dates back to a previous incarnation as a king of Sumer in love with his harpist (in "Blossom of Bone" by Randy Conner). I would hardly kick the horny gogoboy (is that a variant of the Russian Goloboi?) or long-haired young porn star out of my bed either! Not much for defined muscles or oiled shaved bodies, or the burnt-brown look of the Mediterranean.
A couple of folks seem to have read "blond" into my preferences, but I don't see it here, and dont' have that preference. I seem to hit it off reasonably well with swarthy Jews, though, and that's certainly within my latitude. Though all the above is subject to the experiment alluded to at the top of the page, forsaking sex attraction in favor of the emotion, because the former has failed me (sigh).
It's hard to say which is the harder match, sexual, or intellectual. Few men are my equal intellectually, though some in this list qualify, I think. Socially, within a rung of where I am, middle class income, lower middle class upbringing, Ivy League Education. I don't need an intellectual equal in a lover: bright and good-natured are good enough. Intellectual heights I get at lunch with colleagues.
... of the quay of the quivery, all at the same time.See the complete text of the Announcer's Test.